2016.

This year has been quite the year !
Que cliche "ups and downs , highs and lows blah blah blah"
This truly has been my toughest year.
I thought 2010 was hard . Newly married moved away from family, poor struggling students working 2 retail jobs to pay rent.
Then 2012 finding out I had ovarian cancer having my ovary removed and dealing with the drs and the permanent thought in my head that I was going to leave my new born baby motherless.
Once again moving somewhere I knew no one , my husband was gone a lot for work Then 8 months later getting pregnant with Jaron 2013 I started bleeding early on in that pregnancy. I thought I was having a miscarriage for months I would bleed and I would freak out I was loosing my baby. but he decided to stick around. Only to have my water break at 28 weeks spend 2 weeks on bed rest and have an emergency c section at 30 weeks while having a 15 month old at home . Then spending 5 weeks in the NICU and going to nurse him every 3 hours,
2014 brought post partum depression and anxiety attacks, weight gain and times I wouldn't leave my house for weeks except to go to church on Sunday or stop at the gas station a block away for milk because the amount of people at Walmart would make my anxiety unbearable.
2015 we tried to have a baby..All year... I knew my body could do this. No one took me seriously. It was so frustrating and you would think trying for a baby would be a good thing for your marriage, but it was indeed not. I would get so sad each month when the test was negative, and especially after I miscarried early on. It stressed Blake out there was no spontaneity, it was such a touchy subject , and you wouldn't believe the amount of times people would ask when we were going to try for a 3rd and it would take all of had to not burst out in tears or rip their face off 😂
My dr finally listened to me and suspected I may have secondary infertility. I was referred to the fertility clinic in Calgary, a month before my app we found out I was pregnant with Addie. Still not sure how that happened as I was in magrath for the whole month before 😂 and we had stopped "trying" lol!
Then 2016 rolled around and I feel like the past 6 years have been a breeze in comparison. Haha!
Nearly dying having a baby, moving,being homeless , husband working and living away from home, finding out you gave your baby an inherited medical condition that will limit her in so many ways, your mom finding out she has breast cancer, stress related ezxema that causes my skin to crack and bleed on my face as well as my hands I could hardly do anything with them. Having a child who has to be fed 3 hours around the clock, washing bottles and measuring formula, sleeping in 2 hour intervals, blood draws, dr visits and hospital stays.
The stress this past year has aged me. Funny thing my resolution has always been to lose weight. (Whose isn't)
I do however recommended a much healthier way of losing 25 pounds 😫

Bring on 2017! If I survived this past year things can only get better yes?

6 months!

6 TERRIBLY long months have passed by since our life was turned upside down between having a (metabolic condition diagnosed) baby, selling our house, husband working 3 hours away, drs appointments ryker starting preschool, my mom being diagnosed with cancer, being houseless for the last 3 months and not sleeping... just to name a few ;)

well in 18 days HOPEFULLY things can begin to get back to normal... that is until Blake has to come back to Fernie next summer... but atleast we will have a house! hah

i think i am most excited for the garage, weve never had a garage before!

Funny story about the house we bought. last march I contacted a lady who said on the buy and sell she was thinking about selling their house but it wasn't listed or anything so during Easter break we went to walk through it just to see it. Keep in mind they weren't planning on selling anytime soon and we weren't seriously looking so I didn't look into much depth more just step into the room look around and then leave...then we had Addie and with all her appointments and craziness and Blake being in fernie and there just were not any houses for sale in Magrath,we were leaning more towards that house.

We went and looked at another house that had been for sale for over a year.. and there was a reason for that! We decided maybe Heavenly Father was just making our choice ridiculously easy for us to make! Blake went back to look a little closer at the house on his way through to medicine hat for the may long weekend and took a few pictures but to be honest dont show much of the house. take this picture below for example; this apparently is the laundry room... haha thanks blake.. love you ;)

no cropping involved; this is all i got haha 

 We then put ours up for sale in medicine hat; and we let the potential sellers know we were doing it and were interested in their house but weren't committing to anything as it is a block away from my moms and we were hoping something else would come on the market. Come July our house sold and they wanted an august 2nd possession date, We had potentially talked with the seller of a September possession because Ryker was registered to start preschool; then they informed us they couldn't be out until November.. so that through off our plans and we thought maybe we weren't supposed to have this house. a few days later we saw them list their house up on kijij and got a little defensive and thought hey now thats OUR house- we had been communicating for 8 months on and off and although never committed by putting in an offer; hadn't looked at any other houses and we already sold ours so we felt a bit stuck. We called them a few hours later after some prayer and contemplation with an offer but they wouldn't budge on the November 1st possession date. So we bought a house that I've seen once for 10 minutes not wanting to invade their privacy as they were walking around the house with us... hah! So I vaguely can remember the floor plan but this will hopefully be our very long time house so I can make any changes I don't like over the next while. I dont want to ever move again. Especially not while I have little children who think they are the best helpers ;)

So we put all our stuff in storage and moved our essentials to fernie. We drove to magrath for 2 weeks for swimming lessons during the summer and for the last 2 months I have been travelling to magrath monday mornings for ryker to go to preschool monday and wed afternoons then driving back to fernie wed evenings to spend the rest of the week here with blake. On sundays we have to drive a half hour to Sparwood for church then a half hour home... we have put  A LOT of kms on our van in the last few months thats for sure!

because of all the craziness its been hard to enjoy all the moments with Addie.. with not sleeping i feel like im a permanent zombie and my boys are missing out on the mom they deserve; Addie has been given the okay to go 5 hours at night so i feed her between 10-11 at night when i go to bed then she makes it to about 2-3 and i "dream feed" her which means i just stick the bottle in her mouth without waking her up and then she eats again at 7-8amish. she has been given the okay to go 5 hours but lots of time only makes it to 4 because the last 6 months ive been training her to wake up to eat... which is super frustrating . poor girl .
its been REALLY hard living in Fernie. Blake leaves before i wake up and gets home and does computer work in the evening.He works 6 days a week and recently has been having to go in on sundays as well. i don't know anyone here as there is only 1 other older older couple here from fernie in our ward in sparwood. Which really isn't our ward so i feel like a perma-visitor there.
I go days without leaving the house and have no friends so i don't do anything with them or blake because we don't have any babysitters and i can't leave Addie with just anyone.
Its been tough adjustment. i had good friends in Medicine Hat; i played basketball once a week. we had girl nights we had mothers group i saw them weekly at church and now nothing. i love my kids but being cooped up in a house that isn't mine that i dont have anything familiar or comfortable around me is depressing.
but the good news is Addie is doing well. she had a blood test result come back not the best and the drs were concerned and wanted me to wake her more often to eat again which i didn't want to do, but she seems to be doing better now. she goes in once a month for blood tests and has ECGs and other cardio appointments every few months. She has started to eat some solids. not a fan of rice cereal but so far loves all the vegetables she has tried. She is starting to feel more like a "normal" baby. Everyone keeps reminding me how great she looks and how normal she looks that she doesn't look sick at all. thats what makes it the toughest as no one really comprehends how hard it is. or has been. I am VERY grateful however for Addies health, 6 months ago when i was doing my first initial google research because i had never heard of her condition i wasn't sure we would make it here. But here we are! happy and healthy and she fits so well into our family! Heres hoping we can make it through flu season unscathed!

I'll leave you with one of Addies newest tricks

ahh i just love her!

Addies Condition

Well  my c section was rough as H E double hockeysticks. I seriously felt like they dropped me off the table while I was put under or something , I was in alot more pain then my previous c sections. The blood loss didn't help either..

I had my c section monday night and by thursday morning I was just itching to get outta there. Thursday night was the best night ive had in 3 months. I remember the moment vividly. I was lying in bed; next to Blake with Addie on my chest. Balling. But the good kind, the kind after you have a baby and you are so over come with emotions, I was SO happy. I remember telling Blake that and thinking how great life was going to be with this new addition that made me so happy, as my older boys are currently driving me batty haha!

I told my mom the next day that it was so much easier this time around, I didn't have a cancer diagnosis looming over my head like i did after Ryker, Addie wasn't stuck in the NICU for 2 months after like Jaron, I got to bring her home, she was nursing wonderfully, we were bonding, my post partum hadn't hit me ..yet.. Until that phone call.. 

I got a call from the Childrens Hospital saying Addies PKU heel prick came back with abnormal results and we were to come into the hospital the following Monday... so my mom watched the boys and i packed up my 1 week old little girl and made the 3 hour trip, after just having abdominal surgery! She got an echocardigram done and an EKG,

they took more blood then they were "allowed" because of her weight in order to get all the testing done they needed, they strapped on a plastic bag to her to collect urine to test that too. We waited around all afternoon for the results. I was sore and boy were my feet swollen! The Dr. met us in the hall and told us that there was one test that came back just barely over the "normal" amount but what she thought Addie had was a metabolic disorder called LCHAD. She seemed normal and healthy but she wanted to be extra cautious as a case had happened in Europe where the little girl was sent home with what they thought was a false positive and presented to the ER at 6 months old with Cardiac issues. We didn't want to leave it to chance so they sent away for a genetic test that would take 6-8 weeks for results but would give her a definite false positive or diagnosis.

those 7 weeks of waiting were HELL. There is no other way in putting it. Blake left to go start work in Fernie, and we put our house on the market . I had no husband and had to keep my house clean for showings and a sick baby with a possible health issue so rare there was no other child in Alberta being treated for it. It makes me sad looking back that I didnt get to enjoy her being a newborn,that i wasted that precious time ill never get back.

After a week here by myself i was going crazy and decided to pack up what stuff we needed and head to Fernie to be with Blake. Addie got this crazy rash which we think was heat rash and then had a low grade fever later in the evening. Our dr instructed us to take her straight to the Er with our protocol letter if she wasn't eating, throwing up , or had a fever. So i took her to the Fernie hospital, where they are NOT equipped for anything baby let alone anything as rare and special as what Addie has. They were going to call a team from Cranbrook and put an IV and transfer her but i had left Blake home with the boys and didn't want him to miss work, I convinced the drs to send all the info to Lethbridge hospital and we would drive to Glenwood drop the boys off and take her to the hospital in Lethbridge that was a little more equipped for babies. We spent the night and her fever didn't return. They discharged us the next morning after her blood tests came back within normal range and the drs were comfortable after talking to our Drs in Calgary.

Suffering from anxiety while having a child with a medical issue is probably one of the hardest things ive had to endure, If you know me at all you know ive had to endure a lot of trials lately so this one is definetley the icing on the cake. Not to mention not having my husband here has been almost unbearable. There are nights i didn't sleep at all with my hand on Addies chest as my mind had convinced me she was going to stop breathing. Nights I would spend hours googling things that could happen, complications of her condition, blaming myself because this condition is passed on from both blake and I being a carrier and me being responsible for her potential suffering. Crying over the fact her life is going to be so different then i had imagined for my little girl. Grieving the loss of a healthy child is difficult. I am less in denial about my anxiety and post partum which is better i think. the more people who know the less the stigma and the more people watching out for me i guess. I deserve to be happy and Addie needs to be strong. Hiding and not properly dealing with it will  not make me strong.Addie may have a lifetime of struggles ahead of her but she needs a healthy example. 

We got the final diagnosis of TriFunctional Protien Deficiency which is very similar to the suspected LCHAD.

She is missing all (or part we haven't done further testing yet) of an enzyme that helps break down fats from your food. They switched her over to a special formula, which i was definetley singing O Canada as we dont have to pay for it and each can is close to 85$ and she goes through a can every 4 days.Because she cant break down the fats she relies on her limited glucose supply for energy. She cant fast or her body will start to break down her muscles in search of energy.We are not at feeding every 2-3 hours during the day and 1 , 4 hour stretch of sleep at night, which i never actually get the 4 hours as my anxiety casuses me insomnia, so thats nice. because she cant break down thefat she eats it can start to build up around her heart and liver ; along with a whole bunch of other things that could happen but we dont know how severe it is yet or how it could her effect her body.

I'll include a few links to some very limited articles on her condition

here and here

i follow a group on facebook and there isn't even a 1 in however many statistic but their best guess on their records is 1 in 8 million. She is our special little girl. We also found out the bleeding I had is a symptom of being a carrier for TFP;  not the presumed placental abruption all the drs seemed to be freaking out about..

it took me a long time to get over being upset at Heavenly Father. That i was going to have to to see my little girl in pain, that I had been through enough crap ; I had to start looking at it in a positive light. Addie was sent to me for a reason, Heavenly Father trusted me to love her, to take care of her. He knows how special and rare she is so it is a privilege to be her momma.

She is doing well as of now - many trips to Calgary are in our future, but i am glad they were able to catch this early on and have excellent drs to take care of her!

Addie Maries Birth Story

Hold on to your hats folks this is going to be a crazy ride
If you know me and how crazy my other 2 births were you won't be surprised by this one; Addie made a grand entrance. People keep asking me if I plan on having any more kids and my response is " Maybe if they stopped trying to kill me!"

Flash back to the beginning; as soon as I found out I was pregnant I wanted a VBAC. I had had 2 previous c sections, and I REALLY desired to not have to have the c section recovery and to be able to be given the chance to labor on my own and do what my body was created to do.

No Dr here in the hat wanted to take me on. VBACS require the DR to monitor you constantly for potential uterine rupture. The chances of that happening are really low. my scar was the right direction, my placenta was located at the back of my uterus away from my scar and i had no pregnancy related complications; there was no medical reason for my to have a c section other then the DRs telling me no.

Midwives recently opened up their practise here in the Hat and a wonderful wonderful lady named Terrie took me on. She did not have hospital privileges yet and it was my hope she would receive them before it was my time to have my baby however due to politics and really stubborn drs here she still does not have hospital privileges ( so frustrating! ) She had done many VBACS even VBA2C or even 3 or 4. She gave me the confidence that my body wasn't a lemon and I should be able to be given the opportunity to do what I wanted with my birth and my body. She referred me to drs here in the hat ( who just made me cry telling me i was basically going to kill myself and my baby) and i even went to see a dr in Calgary, who told me it was recommended I have a repeat c section ( he was a surgeon so of course that would be his recommendation)

Blake got his transfer to the Lethbridge office that we had asked for over 2 years ago and it was coming beginning of April. He would be out in Fernie for the summer doing a project there and was supposed to leave april 4th and then would try to come back in time for me to have the baby. I was stressed - i was trying everything to bring her earth side before he left. He got told he wouldn't have to be out in Fernie until the 6th or so of April and went to work on the 4th here in Medicine Hat.

I had a crazy day- I accidentally dropped 2 4L jugs of milk on my feet at Walmart and was also stressing about trying to get our house ready to put on the market and Blake leaving. I started feeling crampy thought maybe i was getting the stomach flu ( just my luck i thought! )

Blake got home a little after 5 so i decided I would climb in the bath and see if that helped me feel better. As i was sitting down i noticed some drops of blood in the water; i freaked and stood up as more blood continued to rush down my leg. I yelled at Blake to call 911 he had been home maybe 5 mins. ( in hind sight i wish i had just called my midwife to come access me but having had a "placental abruption" (more on this in a later post) with Jaron I was worried something might be wrong. The ambulance came and picked me up as Becky arrived to watch my boys and Blake came with me... i was having  contractions nothing too painful i was just worried i could no longer feel her kicking , and i was having a mini freak attack!

I arrived at the hospital to find the DR on call was the one I did NOT want taking care of me but of course had no choice in the matter ( which drs CONSTANTLY reminded me my whole pregancy that they make all the choices , not me ) She informed me I was bleeding heavily ( which i wasn't) and would be rushed to the OR and be put under for an emergency c section. I SO did NOT want to have another c section, with Jaron I was able to have a spinal. Addies heart rate was fine and my vitals were fine they were all just freaking out and upset at my midwife. They were accusing me of trying to labor at home and trying to get my midwife in trouble ( they even wrote a letter of complaint and everything, silly drs!) it was a crappy scary situation. Anyways they brought me into the OR and put in the catheter before i was under ( which was a great last memory before going to sleep ) i was not a fan of any of the Drs or the anesthesiologist ( who was the same one who poked Todd 7 times for his spinal and gave him a spinal headache)

I was in surgery for 2 hours and lost 4 L of blood ( you have about 5-6 L in your whole body) I received 2 transfusions, and in order to get the bleeding to stop they basically inserted a type of balloon to put pressure on the walls of my uterus to stop the bleeding. i also had 2 drains put in to try and drain more fluid. When i woke up no one talked to me i didnt know if i had a girl or boy , i felt butchered and in pain, and alone. The dr never did come talk to me (have i mentioned how much i hated her?) Terrie was there though and waited for me to get out of Surgery, until they brought me Addie from the NICU with Blake and my Mom. She weighed in at 6 pounds even , 19 inches and dark curly hair ( so unlike my other 2 pale bald babies!)

She was about 5 hours old when i first got to hold her and by that time they had fed her formula and she was super sleepy from the drugs they gave me to put me under she didn't want to nurse. They also  put the IV in my elbow so i was un able to bend my arm which made nursing all the more difficult. I was in so much shock i had a girl - We didn't find out but i was sure convinced it was going to be another boy! I was in so much more pain this time around and I was battling against blood loss as well.. it was a rough few days . i had her monday night and was out by thursday at noon. I wanted out of the hospital  ( the dr even discharged me without coming to see me ; shows how much they really cared about me )

In a scary situation I know I was watched over by my Heavenly Father. Blake was able to be here , and also be at home to call the ambulance, I lived, Addies apgar scores were great and she wasn't affected by it. The day before I had the promptings to make some freezer meals, and pack a hospital bag ( i was barely 37 weeks; and wasn't really wanting to even go to the hospital ) I was so convinced i was having a boy i brought dinosaur onesies and boy blankets . I had made a trip earlier in the day i had addie to Walmart and bought some cute girl hats just in case :P Blake was able to then get 2 weeks off work to help me which was a lot of help, but now that he is in Fernie its hard to be here by myself with 3 kids!

My midwife was a great strength to me, even recovering from a c section she was there to help out and made house visits to come check up on me, it was great. I grew to love her and if you are pregnant in the Medicine hat area i HIGHLY recommend you go see her - even if you are planning a hospital birth she is able to be a support person there with you if thats what you desire.

I will be doing an update about her condition shortly; as its getting exhausting explaining it to everyone individually hah! so stay tuned and learn more about our crazy hectic life ! hah!

and a few pictures just incase you weren't sick of them yet ;)

Family of 5!!

Family pictures

We were in need of an updated family picture! so glad we decided to do these kind of last minute! i think they turned out great and we are so excited little Payton is in them :)

jaron grew a leg in this picture ;)

if only we could get them both looking at the same time

im so excited to hang these on my wall!

those eyelashes? seriously why cant i have those?

this picture looks way less awkward then i felt taking it at the time haha

I love that even Ryker has his tongue out - such a Perks trait!

Yeah! we are slowly evening out the ratio between boys and girls

Our photographer ended up getting stung by a bee for this shot! turned out to be one of my favorite

this is my favorite background of the pictures we did unfortunately it was at the end and my kids were done.

We love some red vehicles i guess!... once again it s a perks thing

i am so blessed to have these two!!

SMORES popcorn!

It all started on a trip to micheals where i found these limited edition easy melt chocolate wafers in ....SMORES flavor! I was excited to try something out.

I decided on something easy I wanted the SMORES taste but during a fire ban that can be difficult haha. So I decided to make SMORES popcorn! Easypeasy 4 ingredients!

Here is the recipe :
½C kernels, popped
3½ cups Golden Grahams cereal
1 cup miniature marshmallows
 1½ cups SMORES or milk chocolate flavored melting chocolates, melted according to package instructions

Put your popcorn in a big bowl making sure to remove any unpopped kernels(your teeth will thank you later.)

Add graham crackers and mini marshmallows to the popcorn and mix. Then dump out on some wax paper into a thin layer.

Melt your wafers and spread on top of popcorn. wait for chocolate to harden , break apart , then enjoy ( and try not to eat the whole thing :P

day 5

Day 5 St Martens

Hard to get up today, woke up, boat swaying, felt like when you fall asleep in the car and wake up disorientated. Boat ported at 8am and the gang way opened at 8:15. The gangway level changes every port so just hit the gangway button in the elevator. We ate @ johnny rockets on the boardwalk. Diner style food. pancakes and cheese omelets were ok. Ham and cheese sandwhiches were good best to order 2 if you do go there. The hashbrown plate "the works" was probably the best. its complementary for breakfast only. We got off the ship and didnt have anything planned. its about a 15 min walk to downtown and easy to navigate or you can pay 7$ and take the water taxi.

weir to see christmas trees in tropical place

walking to the boardwalk

blakes mancrush of the week

We walked to the boardwalk and did some beach time. the water was cloudy as the beach was quite full.

 We lied in the sun and then walked around an collected my free charms We got free wifi from the candy store and called home on a wifi phonecall app.

 Ryker was asleep but Jaron said mama it made me miss him like crazy. We walked around some more being tourists looking @ souvenirs we then went to the greenhouse for lunch. it was really good and left us feeling full. i was so happy they had ice cold coke zero. (fitting my coke said "HAPPY" in spanish.

Jordan and Melissa had left to go on a jet ski but we felt we could do that @ home. they met us at lunch as we were leaving. We wanted to go to airport beach where the planes fly really close to the beach but didn't feel it was worth it to pay 19$ each way per person to take a taxi. There was a sight seeing tours and biking tours but we saw a segway tour and decided that would be fun. Our instructors name was Kevin he was so funny We had a blast it was 30 mins for 30$ or 60$ for 60 mins im glad we just did the half hour my legs were starting to get tired when we finished. He said we were the only ones that had followed his instructions all day and was going to buy us drinks. We said we didn't drink then asked what we did for fun, and we said.. rent segways haha. So he let us have 10 extra  minutes to rip around on the beach then went back up the boardwalk. it totally changed the trip instantly lightened the mood and we no longer felt like we wasted the day.

Go try the gelato on the board walk it was really good and the owner will let you try whatever flavor you want 6$ for 2 scoops 9$ for 3 scoops.

coconut and pineapple were really good

We then walked back to the port , I wanted to get braids in my hair but there was little time left before we were getting back on the boat so the lady did 3 tiny little braids in the side of my hair and charged me 3 dollars a braid, she didn't even braid down the whole strand.

the line to get back to the ship was crazy also just a comparison half our ship was as big as the other ship

pretty sure i could have done this for free haha

thought i should document my tan before it completely dissapeared

Got a little bit more shopping down then back on the boat. we are at my time dining. we had Rigor as a waiter again. He was fun to joke around with. The rib pasta was no good. The chicken cordon blue was good but dry and all there was was cranberry sauce. The parfait was plain but the pistachio icecream was good so the jafa cake We went to the casino to play penny slots. Blake lost his 5$ but i gained 4$ so we did pretty good for our first try. Boys went to see Godzilla 3D Becky and I went to the arcade and played games then i headed to bed.